nervous...

I can never fully know the feeling of TTC (trying to conceive) and getting BFN(big fat negatives) or failed transfers or miscarriages, or even loosing an infant. I have never dealt with infertility of my own. I got pregnant 2 out of 3 of my own pregnancies while on BC (birth control). I am fertile myrtle. We transferred 2 and had twins the first time for my first surrogacy. My mother had 6 kids of which she did not plan any of us. and my Grandma had 5 and I am pretty sure she never dealt with infertility either. I come from fertile genes what can I say. I am grateful for that! I have always wanted to be a mom!! I do not know what I would have done if I where not able to have my children. That is who I am, who and where would I be if I weren't mom?

My IP's have looked to me to help them expand their family. They have been through all the above mentioned, so they know that we may need to transfer 2 times to be successful. I know that we may need to transfer 2 times to be successful. We have discused this fact and are ok with that. We all know that statistically it should work by the second transfer if need be.

So why am I getting so nervous?

Mark and I will be talking about something happening down the road and he will say "you will be pregnant by then" and I always say "hopefully". Mark says that "it will work the first time becuase you are fertile myrtle" and he is not at all concerned with having to do this twice. When people ask when I will be getting pregnant again I always say "in April" then I find the nearest piece of furniture made of wood and immediately knock on it. I was not like this with the first journey, at all.

I guess I am concerned that my luck is going to run out! I mean, i have been around the surrogacy community for long enough to see it time and time again. Transfers fail, just the truth here!! Blighted ovums and miscarriages happen. These are just the facts of life here people. I know this! I had the perfect transfer last time, 2 in and 2 out 38 weeks later. How long can my luck with fertility last. Not that my fertility has anything to do with my last pregnancy or the one to come, but still.

I guess that I just want to be the angel that brings another child into my IP's arms. I do not want to be the cause of more pain and heartache if something goes wrong. And God knows that I know how much financially this is costing them. I thank God everyday that I never had to try to find the money to hire a surrogate or just go through all the infertility treatments and meds and IVF procedures to have my own children. I fear we would have no children if that were the case. I know that my IP's have more money than we do! But honestly how much do people have to spend to have children? I wish I could do this for free, because I would. But the truth is, and this is coming from the experience of my last journey, it is hard on a surrogates family to do this. I know that my comp is what I need to be able to do this for someone else. So I do not regret having to charge it. But thinking of all the extras that add up is heartbreaking. If this transfer doesn't work, the cost of all the meds again and the monitering and all that goes with IVF, its just very disheartening. Aside from the emotional pain a failed transfer would cost my IP's, I do not want to cost them more money!

I am putting too uch pressure on myself for this transfer to work the first time. I need ot relax and let be what will be. I am really good at giving advice, not so good at taking my own, LOL NOt to mention the reminder of it all every night when I have to stick myself with hormones! Oh well, I just have to remember that it will happen, and if it takes 2 times, it takes 2 times! In the end I will get to carry a bundle (or two) of joy for Sam and Griff and make Meredith a big sister. That part I am not at all worried about, I know that it will happen!!

I know that the hormones have alot to do with this sob story, lol So, please bear with me, it will be over soon, lol